Demons & Taboos - LITTLE Bit of My Story
Little bit of my story and why I do what I do...
Demons and Taboos - The truth will set you free!
If you are going to share, share it everywhere Anton
That was a bit of advice I received having opened up to somebody about some of my experiences
(no never had therapy as yet - men don't right)
Listen, I'm not special or different to you, we've all had something that's changed us
We all have our demons but do we control them and make them work for us OR do they do they control us?
Today, I wanted to share a (taboo) experience of some early unresolved trauma, see I now know this is where a lot of my demons hide including anxiety, anger, as well as plenty of sedating and self- destructive behaviour, that I probably wasn't even aware of at times..
Although I knew a few things didn't seem quite right, compared to the norm/others (peers)-
But what is the norm and how do you even know it at such an early age?
Why awareness is key and also how the wake up warrior system came to be, so as to help people, even if only with the physical/fitness goals this will still be connected to (mental/emotional) your mindset, otherwise you would have already achieved it, more so if you are unhappy with your overall reality/results as I was for a long time!
It wasn't until I started questioning everything, instead of burying/sedating it, and for me, this started when I took some coaching many years ago now and this guy resonated with me as he had a no BS approach and the fact he also offered and talked openly about his struggles with his mental health. What with being diagnosed with bi-polar and being sectioned due to wanting to take his own life (needed? some years before he started his coaching business. think I'm trying to say used his for coaching but wasn't necessary about this stuff as it wasn't)
This openness then led me to question everything instead of (subconsciously) burying and sedating everything
One of the demons I attempted to bury and or control if you like was the fact I WAS sexually abused at around the age of 5 years old
I have also experienced sexual, physical, mental and emotional abuse in those early formative years including what I now refer to as the the 5 before 5! Briefly - Abuse, I also experienced a traumatic hospital/surgical procedure. My first sleep-over at my mates, his brother died. Parents divorce and the fact they and their partners all at some point manipulated us kids to score points in their break up battles..
Who remembers the line - You'll understand when you're older? Yeah right..
There was also a LOT more trauma beyond this which is why I've been in the process of writing a book for a while now, firstly as a therapeutic measure for me but also in the hope I can use it to help others eventually.
However, this sexual abuse experience, my abuser if you like, was also a 5year old girl so for years (I didn't suppress it completely) I told myself this was just a kids, you show me your's and mine experience
That's when I wasn't blocking it all out together or even thinking did I imagine it. You know, how can I, even if I was a young boy at the time, possibly be abused by a little girl?
Well, obvious she was ALSO being exposed to abuse by an adult - somebody she trusted!
I remember the first time I saw her at infant school because I was taken aback that a pretty girl just approached me, and wanted to come to my house 'to play', she CHOSE me which was a novel experience..
Although I have since heard experiences of abused people 'just know' of others - a sense of some kind of sadness, vulnerability, or energy perhaps?
The next memories were she would then come to my house but she always wanted to play in my bedroom and then it was all about let's get naked and get in the bed.
And without giving too much detail even though I did once or twice it just didn't feel right and it took a lot of persuasion and dare I say manipulation.
She also got very annoyed when certain things didn't happen for a 5 year old lad and by now I was starting to feel uncomfortable. She was then due over again and my mum, who usually worked evenings at the time, was home and would say oh is your little girlfriend coming today Anton....
Having already made that decision I eventually told my mum, as I was confused, I liked the girl but I didn't want to do this anymore and the fact she would get angry.
I remember my mum then kicking off (at my dad who had been looking after us at that time) at this girl's mother on the door-step when this girl would have been dropped off again, I also remember this felt bad...
The next day at school when I tried to speak with her - the girl was ANGRY - ''you told''
She cut me off completely and never spoke with me again which was also very confusing, what with being my first experience of girls, as I then felt I SHOULD be doing these things and that's what all girls wanted, otherwise you receive that kind of anger and painful rejection!
This probably then led to some behaviour issues on my part over the years, that I'm not proud of, which would have been not long after and then reappeared during teen years and early adulthood what with hormones and alcohol. This then continued for years to a degree with more self- destructive behaviours with anger, anxiety, and sedating with drink, drugs, junk, travel - yep even tried to run away, unfortunately this doesn't work (these travels also led me to experience the 2004 tsunami trauma)
Not until you address such issues IF you are even aware of them?
You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another, you can't run from yourself - Ernest Hemmingway
As anyone who has experienced this kind of childhood abuse, or any unresolved trauma, will tell you that it steals your childhood and alongside the other abuse and manipulation, that I have NOW accepted I DID experience over the years..
This has helped me understand, although NOT JUSTIFY some of my own behaviours not to mention where some of that anxiety and destruction over many years was coming from...
Later, having spoken to my mum, who had also had abusive experiences in her life, before she passed, informed me that this experience was sexual and not normal. As for this girl, she was removed from the school not long after and I never saw her again.
I don't even remember her name which probably didn't help with the whole memory/burying it thing...
I DO remember another lad in the infants said she then moved on to him and remember he said she wanted to do this and that but he was having none of it, which probably didn't help my thought/blame process so much.
I would have also asked him due to her rejection and moving on so fast - Yep bit of jealousy, even at 5 years old..
With regard to blame, how can I blame this young girl?
All I have is empathy and I just hope she managed to get some help out of that abuse and that her demons haven't controlled her life and destiny, to the point of destruction and that she has found some peace some 40 years later..
I share this post., if I'm truly honest that I have umhed and ahed about for a LONG while now, to attempt to help others.
Having carried it for years, I can tell you, having told that first person, letting it out of your heart helps and even sharing here I no longer find it embarrassing or shameful, I'm not longer SCARED and trust me these days I have zero tolerance for any kind of abuse, bullying, injustices, and manipulation. cause I SEE IT and if that is now attempted upon me, well good luck that is all I will say!
I also share as I now feel lighter in heart (truth sets you free) and also empowered with the main aim being if this posts help just one person..
Not to mention it gives a better idea of why I do what I do, as I woke up hence the wake up warrior, and discovered some of these tools I have since learned and applied (alongside talking it through with a friend) were as mentioned the catalyst for actually helping me FINALLY understand and work through some of this..
Now, I am far from perfect, I still get angry and I still get anxious but nothing like before and I continue to work on it daily - As we are all a work in progress right?
We've all got stuff and nobody is a perfect person with a perfect life. To build a healthy happier mindset takes work, it
takes commitment and courage, patience and kindness, humility and action. To ask for help or to take some therapy (I didn't, men don't right? my book self-therapy) it does NOT mean you are ‘broken’ or ‘messed up’ — it means you are a curious human being that wants to be the best version of yourself.
If you would like to learn more about the very system that I have learned, researched, improved, and applied, that helped with all of this, even if life is great and you only have a physical goal (that you just can't seem to achieve) then grab this free exclusive training here: https://anybodyspt.lpages.co/wellbeing-upgrade/
PS - Thanks for reading just a little of my story!